PIGS IN SPAAAAAACE! episode 417

One of my favourite episodes from the Muppet Show. Hope you'll enjoy it :-)




SCRIPT

PIGS IN SPACE episode 417 part 1
[Scene: outer space; interior of the Swinetrek]

(The pigs in space theme music plays in the background while a spaceship is seen flying around in space.)

Narrator: And now, PIGS IN SPACE!!!!
The last time we saw the spaceship SwineTrek, we hoped it would be the last time. But, it’s back.

(Luke, C-3PO, and R2-D2 are at the controls of the Swine Trek.)

Luke : 3PO, activate the navicomputer.

C-3PO : (disgusted) Eww! I’m not awfully keen of this spaceship, Master Luke. It’s so messy! Cakes, coffee, sandwiches...
Luke : Will you stop it! You don’t hear R2 complaining, do you?
(R2 beeps and moans.)
C-3PO : Yes I do. He just said it’s like a pigsty.

(Captain Link Hogthrob enters.)
Link : Hey, what’s going on here? I’m Captain Link Hogthrob, and this is my spaceship!

C-3PO : That explains everything.

Luke : Why don’t you let me explain. I’m Luke Skywalker. My friends and I have just borrowed your spaceship so we can rescue our friend Chewbacca the wookiee.

(Miss Piggy appears at the doorway and sees Luke.)
Miss Piggy : Mmm...! It’s Luke Skywalker! Ooo! One of the heavenly bodies! I’ll go change. (she leaves)

Luke : Now is there anything else you’d like to know?

Link : Yes, I have one very important question I’d like to ask you.

Luke : What’s that?

Link : Who’s your tailor? I love that outfit!

(Dr. Julius Strangepork enters.)
Strangepork : Link! Link! What’s happening?

Link : I’ll explain later. Right now I’m talking to Luke. 

Strangepork : Luke?

Link : (turns to Luke) Well, now, perhaps if I give you my measurements...

Strangepork : Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hey, hey, who are you? (looks at C-3PO)

C-3PO : I am C-3PO, and that is R2-D2.
(R2 beeps.)

Strangepork : I’m Dr. Strangepork.

C-3PO : Oh my! and I thought our names were weird.

Strangepork : Hey! Oh boy! Hot diggity dog son of a gun! Oh, boy! Oh look at that! Hey, could I play with your toy robot?
(Strangepork walks towards R2-D2)
C-3PO : He’s not a toy robot! He’s a scientifically programmed droid, and he is not to play with.

Strangepork : Ah come on, let me push just one button.

C-3PO : Don't be disgusting.
(Strangepork starts pressing some buttons on R2. R2 stars shakes and throws Strangepork across the room, and C-3PO catches him)
C-3PO : Well I did warn you.

(the camera moves to Luke and Link talking)
Link : Well you’ve got my jacket size.
Luke : (reads a notepad he’s writing on) 44 long. And your head size: (looks at the camera) 42 thick.
(Miss Piggy bursts in dressed like Princess Leia, hair buns and all, and runs to Luke.)
Miss Piggy : Luke! Luke! Luke! Luuuuke!!!! (she starts hugging him) It is I, the princess! 

Luke : Princess?

Miss Piggy : Yes. I’ve just escaped from an evil fiend who held me prisoner!

Luke : (chuckles) Well, the evil fiend must feed his prisoners well.

Miss Piggy : What? 
Luke : Well, uh, what I mean is that it looks like you’ve put on hem....

Miss Piggy : (pulls Luke down and threatens him) Psst. Look, Skywalker, go along with this or I’ll cut you in half.

Luke : (stands back up straight and pretends to be happy) Look! It’s the princess! (smiles and hugs Miss Piggy)

C-3PO : Doesn’t look like the princess to me.
Miss Piggy : Watch it, hardware.

(R2 beeps something.)
C-3PO: Master Luke, we’re about to make a landing. And look who’s there!
(sinister music plays, and Dearth Nadir, who surprisingly resembles Gonzo, appears in the view screen)
Everyone : Oh no! Dearth Nadir!

Luke & C-3PO : (turn to each other) who?

Narrator's voice : Stay tuned for part two when the Swine Trek lands on Koozebain and we learn the true identity of this archfiend.

Nadir(Gonzo) : (looks at the camera) the world will never know!

(cut to a Muppet News Room)
Newsman : Here's a bulletin from the Muppet newsroom. The spaceship Swinetrek is about to make a soft landing on a distant planet. (The News man throws his note and reads his next headline) Another Planetary news: Venus is about to make a hard landing on the Muppet News room. (Newsman gets confused) That doesn't make sense!.........
(A Statue of Venus drops on the news desk)

* * * * * * * * * * * *
PIGS IN SPACE part 2
[Scene: the surface of the planet, Koozebane ]

Narrator's voice : When last we left our intrepid band, the spaceship SwineTrek was about to make a soft landing.

(Loud Crash. The crew stumbles out on the planet Koozebane.)
Luke : You call that a soft landing?

C-3PO : I sprained my celluloid's.

Link : Well you were in the driver’s chair. You forgot to push the stoppy-thing!

Miss Piggy : It’s called a brake, dummy.

C-3PO : Excuse me, Master Luke, but shouldn’t we be looking for a safe refuge on this planet?

Luke : Exactly right, 3P0.
(R2 beeps.)
Link : I know! We can hide in that cave over there!

Luke : Ahhh! A good plan!

(sinister music plays, and Dearth Nadir appears out of the cave.)
Nadir (Gonzo) : Ha ha ha! 

Miss Piggy : It’s...its Dearth Nadir!

Luke : (sees puny little Dearth Nadir) THIS is Dearth Nadir?

Link : (frightened) Yes, isn’t he just icky?

Luke : Well, what do you want of us, Nadir? (Nadir just breathes loudly.) Well why don’t you say something? (Nadir keeps breathing...) Speak!
(Nadir walks up to Luke.)
Nadir (Gonzo) : Who’s your tailor? I love that outfit!
(Luke rolls his eyes.)
Luke : All right, Nadir! Take this! (pulls out his blaster and tries to shoot, but nothing happens.)

Nadir (Gonzo) : Ha ha ha ha ha!!! At last you know the awful truth! This here, my dear friend, is a crypto-anagon transmitter. (Nadir produces the crypto-anagon transmitter) It can totally neutralize any blaster.
(R2 beeps and moans.)
Luke : This means we must resort to the ultimate weapon! 

Nadir (Gonzo) : (pretends to be scared) Oh! And hoity toyty what pray tell might that be?

Luke : Chewbacca the wookiee!!
(points to where Chewie comes out behind a rock. The Star Wars theme starts, Chewie roars and starts strangling Nadir. Everyone cheers.)
Nadir (Gonzo) : Chewbacca's escaped!..... Ah!......

Luke : The jig is up, nothing can stop good ol’ Chewie!

Nadir (Gonzo) : One thing can! 
Luke : What’s that?
Nadir (Gonzo) : Angus McGonagle, the gargling gargle gargoyle!!
(Angus appears on stage gargling loudly, and everybody moans and covers their ears.)
Luke : Horrible! Trapped by Dearth Nadir! Our weapon’s useless, and now we’re being tortured by gargling Gershwin! Ugh!! What could possibly get us outta this!?

(Kermit appears on stage.)
Kermit : What else? A song and dance number!
(music starts playing and all the Muppets sing "You are my lucky star")
Kermit : Okay that’s the song part. Now comes the dance! Take it, Chewie and R2!
(Chewie starts swaying back and forth while R2 spins around in circles.)
Kermit : C-3PO, you’re next! 

C-3PO : I certainly don’t dance.

Kermit : Oh, but this is our big ending.

C-3PO : Oh all right.
(C-3PO starts to tap dance.)
C-3PO : Lucky I once saw a Fred Astaire Film!
(C-3PO continues to tap dance.)
(Audience clapping)
Kermit : Okay that was really wonderful! Okay, ( Enters Luke clapping to C-3PO) Luke next! 

Luke : Not me. I’ll go get my cousin.
(Luke walks off the stage)
Kermit : Huh? (Kermit & C-3PO satire each other and look at the camera)
(Mark appears in a tuxedo and starts singing all dramatically. Audience clapping. The Muppets join him and everyone sings “When you wish upon a star” and sways to and fro. A castle rises in the background and fireworks go off.)